Adoption, a Paramount Decision
By Alan Saunders
Having been a social worker for 18 years I have worked with a wide
variety of clients. The most fulfilling work for me has been the
adoption work. Though it is very healing to see a couple or
family come together in therapy, it seems that nothing compares to
seeing a family placed with a child through adoption. There is a
powerful spirit present when this happens and it truly changes people
for the good. Having experienced both an adoption placement and
experiencing the births of my biological children born, I have become
convinced that there is little difference in the powerful spirit
present in adoption placement as compared to when a family has a
biological child join their family. Adoption work with adoptive
families is truly incredible!
Work with birth mothers and fathers is also very rewarding. Birth
parents come to the paramount of difficult decisions and when they
reach that point and choose to place. It becomes a powerful
moment for them. There comes a peace and a resolve to do an
extremely difficult thing and their gift is incredible. It tears
at them and challenges the very essence of who they are and what they
believe. Some may see a woman who places her baby as weak or
selfish, even irresponsible. Just exactly the opposite is
true. She gives her child more love by placing her child because
she realizes in her humility that another family is in a better
position to raise her child. She loves and so she gives.
That’s what we do when we love someone; we sacrifice for them and
give to them something better that they cannot give to
themselves.
Many adoptive families come to this realization and develop tremendous
love and respect for the birth parents of their adopted child.
They often grow to a level of astonishment at the level of love birth
parents have to be able to choose this for their child. An
adoptive family’s extended family might have a difficult time
grasping this and may even question the viability of adoption in the
first place. Since extended families likely do not understand the
complexities of infertility and adoption, a huge question pre-adopters
have is “how can I get my family to understand me, my situation
and to embrace adoption?” Family members may ask many questions
in an effort to understand.
How should I respond to my family member’s questions?
Recognize first of all that you are likely much more educated about
adoption than they are. You’re probably better at the
“lingo” than they are. They may say things like
– I can’t believe someone would just give up like that. Or
– I can’t believe someone could just abandon their
child. As these questions come in full force, and they will, be
friendly and non defensive – be genuine and share how you have
felt about adoption. You can help them to reframe their own
thinking by using better description of adoption processes. For
example, you may respond to the above questions by saying, “I
don’t think it’s giving up, I think it’s loving their
child more, loving them enough to choose a better future for
them.” Or “I don’t see it as abandonment but
rather being a choice where she was paying special attention to the
needs of her child.” Remember, you family member(s) is/are
probably asking because they are interested and because they care about
you. Be as complete in your answers as you can if the situation
allows it.
How should I respond to questions that seem unthinking or even rude?
A person should first consider the source of the question. Who is
it that’s asking the question? For example, a stranger in
the grocery noticing a difference in skin color between your baby and
you may unthinkingly say – so how much did you pay for your
baby? A great response is, “do I know you?”
Some questions can be intrusive and obnoxious – this is one of
those. If a family member asks the same question your response
should be more patient and understanding – they may just want to
know about adoption expenses because they are considering it. A
great response to a family member is “do you mean how much were
the adoption expenses?” It’s a gentle reminder to
them that babies are not for sale and that even though adoption may
seem foreign to them, it is a natural way to have children come into
your home. When asked the same question, some may even respond
with a little humor with a family member that has a biological child:
“I don’t know, what did you pay for yours?”
Remember, if questions come from family, friends or neighbors you have
a vested interest in, you can help them become more educated about
adoption so that they will understand that their question was not and
should not be asked to anyone ever again. You can help them by
expressing you being taken by surprise at their question, and then
good-naturedly explain the correct answer--in private, not in a public
place. This is another way to help all close to you understand the need
for privacy boundaries.
Adoption is a paramount decision for everyone involved. Adoption
impacts placing parents and their extended families. Adoption
impacts adoptive parents and their extended families as well.
Developing a knowledge of these issues helps to further educate
everyone that adoption is here to stay and that it is a miracle to be
embraced.
Alan Saunders, Ph.D., LCSW
UtahHomeStudy.com
Alan Saunders is
an adoption advocate, father of four, licensed
and registered in Utah as an Adoption Professional.
Copyright
2008 ©, Alan Saunders. No portion of this article may be
reproduced in part or in whole without express written consent from the
author.
See more
articles:
Adoption, A Paramount Decision
Is an
Adoption Home Study the Best First Step in Your Adoption Process?
To Adopt or not to Adopt?