Utah Home Study 
Utah Home Study 

Image - Adoption in Utah is a Miracle!
                                                                                                                  Alan Saunders | LCSW  
Home Study
 Utah Home Study Article 2Image - Summer family fun Utah Home Study

Adoption, a Paramount Decision

By Alan Saunders

Having been a social worker for 18 years I have worked with a wide variety of clients.  The most fulfilling work for me has been the adoption work.  Though it is very healing to see a couple or family come together in therapy, it seems that nothing compares to seeing a family placed with a child through adoption.  There is a powerful spirit present when this happens and it truly changes people for the good.  Having experienced both an adoption placement and experiencing the births of my biological children born, I have become convinced that there is little difference in the powerful spirit present in adoption placement as compared to when a family has a biological child join their family. Adoption work with adoptive families is truly incredible!

Work with birth mothers and fathers is also very rewarding.  Birth parents come to the paramount of difficult decisions and when they reach that point and choose to place.  It becomes a powerful moment for them.  There comes a peace and a resolve to do an extremely difficult thing and their gift is incredible.  It tears at them and challenges the very essence of who they are and what they believe.  Some may see a woman who places her baby as weak or selfish, even irresponsible.  Just exactly the opposite is true.  She gives her child more love by placing her child because she realizes in her humility that another family is in a better position to raise her child.  She loves and so she gives.  That’s what we do when we love someone; we sacrifice for them and give to them something better that they cannot give to themselves. 

Many adoptive families come to this realization and develop tremendous love and respect for the birth parents of their adopted child.  They often grow to a level of astonishment at the level of love birth parents have to be able to choose this for their child.  An adoptive family’s extended family might have a difficult time grasping this and may even question the viability of adoption in the first place.  Since extended families likely do not understand the complexities of infertility and adoption, a huge question pre-adopters have is “how can I get my family to understand me, my situation and to embrace adoption?” Family members may ask many questions in an effort to understand.
How should I respond to my family member’s questions?

Recognize first of all that you are likely much more educated about adoption than they are.  You’re probably better at the “lingo” than they are.  They may say things like – I can’t believe someone would just give up like that. Or – I can’t believe someone could just abandon their child.  As these questions come in full force, and they will, be friendly and non defensive – be genuine and share how you have felt about adoption.  You can help them to reframe their own thinking by using better description of adoption processes.  For example, you may respond to the above questions by saying, “I don’t think it’s giving up, I think it’s loving their child more, loving them enough to choose a better future for them.”  Or “I don’t see it as abandonment but rather being a choice where she was paying special attention to the needs of her child.”  Remember, you family member(s) is/are probably asking because they are interested and because they care about you.  Be as complete in your answers as you can if the situation allows it.

How should I respond to questions that seem unthinking or even rude?

A person should first consider the source of the question.  Who is it that’s asking the question?  For example, a stranger in the grocery noticing a difference in skin color between your baby and you may unthinkingly say – so how much did you pay for your baby?  A great response is, “do I know you?”  Some questions can be intrusive and obnoxious – this is one of those.  If a family member asks the same question your response should be more patient and understanding – they may just want to know about adoption expenses because they are considering it.  A great response to a family member is “do you mean how much were the adoption expenses?”  It’s a gentle reminder to them that babies are not for sale and that even though adoption may seem foreign to them, it is a natural way to have children come into your home.  When asked the same question, some may even respond with a little humor with a family member that has a biological child: “I don’t know, what did you pay for yours?” 

Remember, if questions come from family, friends or neighbors you have a vested interest in, you can help them become more educated about adoption so that they will understand that their question was not and should not be asked to anyone ever again.  You can help them by expressing you being taken by surprise at their question, and then good-naturedly explain the correct answer--in private, not in a public place. This is another way to help all close to you understand the need for privacy boundaries.

Adoption is a paramount decision for everyone involved. Adoption impacts placing parents and their extended families.  Adoption impacts adoptive parents and their extended families as well. Developing a knowledge of these issues helps to further educate everyone that adoption is here to stay and that it is a miracle to be embraced. 

Alan Saunders, Ph.D., LCSW

Alan Saunders is an adoption advocate, father of four, licensed and registered in Utah as an Adoption Professional.

Copyright 2011 ©, Alan Saunders. No portion of this article may be reproduced in part or in whole without express written consent from the author.

See more articles:

Adoption, A Paramount Decision
Is an Adoption Home Study the Best First Step in Your Adoption Process?
To Adopt or not to Adopt?

The Beauty of Adoption


                                    Home | Process | Cost | Wait Time Sample H.S. | Laws | Contact 


                                               © 2011 copyright www.UtahHomeStudy.com 

Valid HTML 4.01 Transitional